Five things no bar should have

In its introduction to the “Best Bars in America”, Esquire magazine has an interesting list of the five things no bar should have.

A couple of them many not strictly apply in the Indian context, but the first requirement brings to mind Ranga‘s father, who whenever he saw the home darkly lit would apparently lit, would say “Yenidu, Karishma setting?” the reference being to Karishma restaurant, the original watering hole in the LIC office building in Mysore.

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By CHUCK KOLSTERMAN

1) Natural light: Bars are supposed to be womblike sanctuaries, separate from the blinding bleakness of mainstream society. They should always be poorly lit, and they should not have windows. If I’m drinking at 3 pm, the sun should not remind me what time it is.

2) Patrons who are reading: Darkness also discourages all the bozos who think people will be impressed if they’re seen reading in a bar, which is as cool as being drunk at Barnes & Noble.

3) Loud music: There is a belief among many bar owners that loud music creates intimacy (which theoretically increases the possibility of romantic interplay, thereby prompting people to return) by forcing patrons to sit closer and scream directly into one another’s ears. Everybody hates this. I have never been in a bar where people complained about the music being soft.

4.) Dogs: Never bring your dog into a bar. Ever. They’re not clean, and they make the place feel like a veterinarian’s office. How is it that you can’t have a lit cigarette in any bar in New York or LA but you can have a pit bull? I understand that cigarettes cause cancer; they do not, however, rip the faces of small children.

5.) Twenty-two-year-old female bartenders who “just wanna party”: I already have enough problems. That’s why I came to the bar.

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